1918 Lessons on Life & Loss from a Year that Rocked the World

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April 17, 2018
 
For several years I have written a letter on the anniversary of my son Miles’ birthday. The letters, mostly about managing tragedies, were posted on FB with my hope that they would be beneficial to others experiencing loss. This year I am writing about lessons on life and loss in 1918. Lessons I learned well before the loss of my son Miles but gained a great support from after his loss.
 
The photo at the top of this letter is one I took over 40 years ago of my adopted “Grandpa Drew”. He was a “Dough Boy” from World War I. I always thought it was amusing that someone I only knew as an older man could have ever been a “boy.” He was my initial link to study WWI that later led to a general study of that period. The world war he came of age in saw 18 million dead, 23 million wounded. The US was only in the war toward its end and still lost 100,000 lives.
 
The other global event that spanned 1918 and 1919 was the Spanish Influenza. 30 million died worldwide, surpassing any 12 month period of fatalities from the Black Plague. In the US, 195,000 died in one 31 day period. The young, the strong, the healthy were mowed down as quickly as the physically vulnerable.
 
1918 was the year of death. Most everyone was touched by loss and most everyone went on to find ways to move forward with strong lives. Some of the lessons I learned from this terrible year that helped me with my own grief are highlighted below.
 
1.  Terrible things can happen no matter how well we prepare. We can raise our children well, love them with all our hearts, pray for their wellbeing, yet awful things can still happen. No one wanted the Influenza bug, and very few wanted WWI. Still millions died because of them. Regardless of our preparation in life, awful things can happen. They can be vicious, capricious and unfair but they can be a portion of our life. Still, we prepare for a good future, never holding back because of fear, failure or uncertainty.
 
2. Draw on your community. The grief because of 1918 was very individual but also shared in the enormity of loss. Memorials, sermons, remembrances all acknowledged the tragedies. Grief is unique to each of us but the value of support from those around us cannot be emphasized enough. What I will always remember from the first year after Miles’ death are the many words of sympathy and arms of comfort from wonderful friends and family.
 
3. There are better and worse ways to cope with grief. I believe there isn’t one “best” way to manage traumatic experiences in our lives. We make our own course where some practices and thoughts can be better than others. Verbalizing thoughts and emotions with speech or pen, engaging in your community, tears, trust in the future, trust in your ability to overcome and honoring those you’ve lost were seen in the years following 1918. So was too much drinking, recklessness, isolation, lashing out at others, or giving up were all some of the more destructive coping methods seen in large scale following 1918. Find the good practices that help you forward and avoid the destructive ones that can exacerbate your grief.
 
4. Death of someone we love is always personal but never unique. Death is never common, even when it occurs on a mass scale. In a year when almost 50 million died, each one must have been felt with deep grief by a parent, a child, a sibling, a husband or wife. An older friend of my mother lost two children and husband to Influenza. Miles died in a car crash. He wasn’t the only death that day in Fullerton, not even on the street or the crash. Yet his death was felt in profoundly personal ways by all of us that knew him. Teddy Roosevelt pinpointed the reason death is so horribly felt when he said, “Death is always and under all circumstances a tragedy, for if it is not, then it means that life itself has become one.” Joseph Stalin was wrong when he said, “One death is a tragedy; one million is a statistic.” The death of those we love may show up as a statistic, but they are always mourned as individuals. While life cannot stop for our grief, we need to find time for it.
 
5. Trust that hope will overcome despair. Days will be dark. Our bargain in loving is to have grief when death grabs those we’ve loved. I don’t know any way around this bargain. When in the darkness of despair, it is good to remember that there was love first and there will be love at the end.
 
6. Perspective and persistence. Anguish and tears are essential to grief. Ignoring them is ignoring the significance of the life lost. The perspective of 100 years since 1918 has taught me that this life needs a long perspective and that joy can return. The lives of 100 years ago also taught me that life doesn’t change overnight. Trusting in time to bring healing and hope is a trust that takes you through difficult times when your loss is all you feel. Persist in choosing to trust in time to bring healing. It often becomes a daily choice to trust.
 
7. Live each day with a fresh appreciation for the day and those who are important to you. 1918 taught me that life can be very short without guarantees. Find ways to express appreciation for those you love. We have the great gifts of today and those we love. My hope is your joy is repaired and your appreciation for life is renewed. All of us are here today because our ancestors from 100 years ago had faith that the future would continue despite the awfulness of 1918. Hope is alive!